Plug your ears! On page 109 of the January issue of Women’s Health mag, “The Art of Aural Sex: A Brave Male Writer Signs Up for a Serious Lesson in Dirty Talk” deigns to take up three pages. Nick Scott, a courageous man-writer set out to learn how to talk dirty during sex. Thing is, maybe it’s just me, but do women really even want dirty talk from their partners? I for one can do without.
I mean, honestly, Scott thinks that lewd language can be the “catalyst for sending a woman into the orgasm she’s been teetering on the brink of for the past 20 minutes.” Ugh, not so much. Maybe other women would disagree, but I’m thinking if you’re teetering for twenty minutes, it’s just not gonna happen for you tonight.
In fact, the writer learns that while guys like to hear dirty talk from their partners, they are leery of articulating the dirty speech for fear of getting it wrong and sounding pervy.
Fair enough, but unfortunately, the expert he seeks out for help suggests this winning line: “I want to disrobe you and see your parts exposed and touch them…”
Are you effing kidding? Even Scott recognizes this as cheese. Parts? He says he has three exes that would run screaming from the delivery of that line.
But sex therapist Jacqueline Hellyer simply instructs him on what to do if the dirty talk backfires by saying, “Come here and give me a hug. I hope I didn’t offend you—are you OK?”
After that you can bring over the trash pail for any residual vomiting.
The entire piece is laughable. I applaud Scott for trying, but the expert he turned to was SERIOUSLY lame.
Since the whole piece seems more like a joke than anything women would really want their man to utter during the throes of passion, here’s my take on the crux of the advice from Hellyer for more manly dirty talk from your guys:
- Gush Wildly. “You have the tightest one I’ve ever had!”
- Keep it Positive. “I’m really digging these new bedazzles on your vajayjay!”
- Be responsive. Yell out things like, Yippee Ki-yay Motherfucker during lovemaking.
- Expand your Vocab. “I find your dexterity and flexibility an impressive combination of sexual prowess that easily ushers in my ejaculation.”
- Get Creative. Don’t stop with dirty talk. Try dirty songs, dirty poetry readings, reading aloud from dirty novels and acting out dirty movie scenes!